Springs here in full force, and for many a twentysomething New Yorker, the first sunny, 60+ day is just the opening ceremony for a long, successful brunch season. If youre not from around here or just never leave the apartment before, I dont know, 4pm on a Saturday or Sunday, you should know that people here do NOT screw around with brunch. They brunch and they brunch hard. It really took me a full year here to understand the unspoken rules of brunch in New York, of which there are many, and I think that Ive started to catch on in a training for the Olympic Trials sort of way.
Like everything else in Sex and the City they romanticize the crap out of brunch, but not even the good parts! As I watch the four women talk over salad or whatever, I have to reel from teeming with self-appointed New Yorker fury at the number of incredulous lies this recurring scene disseminates! You can screw with my concept of men and romance, Carrie Bradshaw, but not brunch. The immediate seating, the lack of cocktails, the heavy conversation all wrong, wrong, wrong! However, maybe the NYC brunch is just be one of those mystical little gems that ferries beneath the colander of pop culture, to remain mythically, virtuoulsy untouched.
Between you and me, let me elaborate on the checklist for a satisfactory brunch experience:
- Venue.
Location is key. The notion that "if youre among friends, you can have fun anywhere" is a nice one - but save that argument for how you explain your way out of committing your friends to see your new boyfriend's roommate's band play in Williamsburg. Like anything else choosing a brunch spot requires its research and in my experience, you cant beat word of mouth- this city is fueled on acquaintance recommendations. Some are a bust, but as with most NYC experiences, it wont be time wasted. The last time I went to a crappy brunch spot my compadres and I wound up alone at a dive bar doing tequila shots at 4PM. If done right, brunch takes a life of its own.
- Planning
I have mixed feelings about this. People are so flaky on Saturday and Sunday... afternoons - myself included that its kind of a safer bet to plan ahead for brunch. But in realty the best ones are always those just sort of thrown together. You wake up, investigate your mood/general health/the weather, and proceed to play the text-with-one-eye-open-to-hopefully-the-right-person game to assemble whoever is around and whomever they happen to be with and embark toward that place someone told you about at the bar Thursday."
Equally important is not planning to do anything afterwards. You always get that amateur in the group that is going to "go to the gym" or "run errands" or do anything else at all after brunch. "The key to budget travel is to prepare in advance. When it comes along to family trips, globetrotting, well-deserved vacations and/or going to see new destinations we have never been before, the fact of cost and budgeting is always in the back of our heads. Planning and consuming our travel budget properly is a main concern for most families. Minimizing spending and prices, while still delighting your vacation to its fullest, is the key to confirmed success and fiscal obligation. Your pocketbook and family will thank you! The reasoning behind saving money while traveling is simple: Even if your personal budget is incredibly small, you can still take a break and enjoy life! Simply put, life is just too short to never step out of the door or departing the homestead! Also thinking about that while traveling, no matter whether on a budget or not, even the smallest of things can all add op to a big vacation or travel charge!..". Post-brunch is reserved entirely for napping and/or watching Netflix. Everyone knows that.
- Waiting
This is one rule that always frustrates me, and its not the actual waiting. Im a bruncher, I expect the waiting. In fact, if you show up for brunch somewhere and theres no line, leave. Now.
What annoys me are the people who complain about the wait. We all came here to be together, to enjoy each others company. Whats the difference if we do it on the sidewalk or at a table? Food, drinks, you say? Okay, you got me there. Just shut up and chill.
But I have a loophole to offer! Find yourself a brunch spot that takes your phone number and will call you when your table is ready. Then, find a bar across the street with a patio and $3 mimosas. Youll be the brunchtime hero.
and on that note.
- Cocktails
This is one area those Sex and the City chicas got it all wrong, and surprisingly so. The entire series paints these women out to be completely unstable lushes, and yet their brunches are remarkably dry. I dont care what anyone says, brunch is for beverages. Now Im not endorsing all-you-can-drink brunches every time its nice out (unless thats your thing, in which case, I have a list,) but have yourself a darned bloody mary. Youve earned it Im sure, somehow.
- Conversation
This is the only item that may be more important that the venue. Brunch is not the place for heavy conversation. The place for that is late night in a corner booth over Makers Mark on the rocks. Or any other time but brunch.
A non-exhaustive list of brunch topics include:
- Hilarious looking strangers
- The cute waiter
- Animal
- Where the stamp on the back of your hand could be from
- Stuff your dumb roommate said
- Anything that follows would you rather
- Vacation
Things you do not talk about at brunch include:
- Your job
- Your significant other (or lack thereof)
- Your shameful night
- Family
- Your feelings
- Your bank account
- Your small, stuffy apartment
Drinking games, not appropriate. Lets keep it classy here, folks. Save it for the beirgarten.
Basically, brunch is like a holiday i.e. conversation should be light. Especially when youre 3 mimosas in (at $8 a pop,) the last thing you want to think about is how much you cant stand your roommate or get a run down of your friends recent dating failures. Brunch is the ultimate New York sport. You want to be that table that (in your head) everyone is starting at in sublime jealousy, wishing they were having as much of a blissfully good time as you. And when youre champagne-buzzed, outside eating eggs benedict in March, listening to people one-up each other about the most spontaneous thing theyve ever done well, youre winning.
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